Guest Post by Howard Simmons: Grasshopper Pie

Thursday was Michael’s birthday, so I’ve offered to write his blog this week. I also made a pie for him, but whatever.

Besides cats, Michael loves chocolate and mint (preferably together), so he kindly told me that I was going to make him a grasshopper pie. Me being the awesome boyfriend, I agreed, because that’s what awesome boyfriends do. And the fact that I knew people would read this and think “what an awesome boyfriend” helped as well. I crave approval.

Anyway, here are the ingredients:

Grasshopper Pie

Chocolate-Wafer Crumb Crust (I made this too *pats self on back*)

1 Envelope Gelatin (unflavored, obviously)

Sugar (the book just says sugar, but in the end you’ll use ½ cup)

1/8 teaspoon salt

3 eggs, separated (this is fun and gross at the same time)

¼ cup crème de menthe

¼ cup cold coffee

1 cup whipping cream

Angelica for garnish (I ignored this because I believed my pie would be so gorgeous I wouldn’t need garnish to distract from mistakes. What is angelica anyway?)

Chocolate-Wafer Crumb Crust

Oreos (about half a package)

Butter (about 1/3 cup)

Okay, so after preheating the oven to 375 degrees, I started on the crust, which allowed me to combine two of my favorite things: Oreos and sharp blades spinning very fast:

Basically you just pulverize the hell out of those delicious cookies until they’re completely crushed, much like your dreams after you graduated college.

Feel free to eat any large pieces that refuse to be broken up (Pro tip: Before grabbing cookie pieces, turn off blender!).

Next, dump them into a bowl and pour the melted butter on them (oh yeah, you have to melt the butter first). Then stir until it’s a tempting, heart-clogging crumbled mess. Then simply pour into your pie dish, and press down on them until you think, “That looks about right.” Bake for eight minutes then set aside to cool.

At this point, I was beginning to worry that I was moving too slowly, because Michael’s friend Elise and beau Josh were coming over for dinner, and there was still so much to do. However, I did not increase my rate of speed, just my level of worry.

So the recipe was divided into four steps, but basically it can be boiled down into Egg Whites and Egg Yolks. I separated the eggs, which is pretty easy – just crack the shell and, while holding both portions of the shell over a bowl, transfer the yolk back and forth between halves. Much like the contents of my father’s stomach on a fair ride, the egg whites can’t take the constant motion and they come spilling out in a disgusting ooze down into the bowl waiting below. Then you just put the yolk in a separate bowl. Easy peasy.

Egg Yolks: These yellow balls of cholesterol are combined with ½ cup of water and whisked. When it’s good and frothy, you add it to a saucepan in which you’ve already placed the gelatin, ¼ cup sugar and the salt. Stir it a few time and give it about 10 minutes. (Pro tip: Turn on the stovetop to a low heat! Gelatin thickens faster when there’s actually heat on the burner. Something I’ve just now learned!) It’ll go from dark green to bile yellow.

At this point, remove from heat. Normally, you would add the crème de menthe, but our local liquor store, cash only and with the motto “we’re sold out of that” (that being anything besides flavored vodka and Bud Light Lime), didn’t have crème de menthe, but it did have peppermint schnapps (which is delicious and a great throwback to that high school party where you sat on the back porch with your best friend and wondered why Ryan didn’t like you, even though you would be so good for him). So add the peppermint schnapps and cold coffee.

The egg yolk mixture is to be refrigerated, yet constantly stirred, for 20 minutes. However, other things took my attention and 40 minutes later Michael and I were staring at something that looked Nickelodeon Gak©®™

Being the quick thinker I am, I put the mixture back on the stovetop on low heat, until it resembled the consistency of “unbeaten egg white” as the recipe called for. Unfortunately, not all of the pieces of gelatin melted again, so it remained a bit “chunky.” In fear, I showed it to Michael, who was enjoying the week off by shopping online for a Christmas present for me (or at least I think that’s what he was doing). Michael remained admirably stoic, although I could tell that he was reconsidering spending his life with a man who couldn’t be trusted to follow a 45-year-old recipe. I also don’t think he ordered that iPad upgrade for me, either.

Anyway, that problem addressed, I turned my attention to the egg whites. I used Michael’s mixer to beat those egg whites like (insert inappropriate domestic abuse joke here). Once the eggs are peaking softly, the remaining ¼ cup of sugar is added slowly until dissolved (still using the mixer – this time at a medium speed and not full tilt like before). Then you “fold” it into the egg yolk mixture. “Folding” sounds intimidating, but it’s basically stirring it from the bottom up, and slowly at that.

Finally, the cream is whipped into stiff peaks and folded in as well. You dump it all on the crust and refrigerate. This is what it looked like when I was done:

  

Note the golden gelatin chunks, which, it can be argued, some might find appealing. Maybe.

And that’s it.  Basically you just refrigerate it until it sets completely then serve.

When Michael and I first began dating, I was a little dubious about his choice of recipe books, to be honest. As a child, when my mom cracked open one of her Good Housekeeping recipe books, nothing good could follow (my brother and I still remember with horror one particular asparagus casserole.) I mean, once upon a time, culinary sophistication was the following:

(Actually, I wouldn’t be surprised to find the second recipe in this book. Good Housekeeping loves them some gelatin.)

But each week he’s surprised me by creating something delicious while remaining pleasingly old-fashioned (in the same way that bell-bottoms are old-fashioned). The grasshopper pie was no different, as it proved very tasty. And most importantly, the beautiful birthday boy enjoyed it. Which, in the end is all that matters, really. I love that guy.